These are currently my thoughts on giving birth:
1. It's going to be okay. If I read some books, watch some videos, and "educate" myself I will be empowered and a stronger woman.
2. Why are all the videos and books about women who give birth naturally in the squatting position? I'm going to fail. I don't think I can do it naturally. I'm a failure at life. Everybody seems to want to give birth naturally. I don't think I can be like everybody. I think I need an epidural. Like, now.
3. No wait. I need to be strong. Every woman in the world had to give birth naturally until like, 50-years ago. I can do this. I have a midwife. She'll help me. So will my husband, won't he?
4. This is going to hurt. I need to stop thinking about this. I'm scared.
5. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I change my mind. Get me that epidural.
The cycle continues, with these 5 thoughts going through my head at least once a day.
Here is what I have decided:
1. I would like to give birth naturally, with just my husband and my midwife in the room, quoting scripture and singing praises to Jesus.
2. I will probably need an epidural. I may even need a c-section. I may call my Mommy if I need more moral support. I will probably forget every verse in the Bible (other than the one about women being in pain during childbirth). I will probably cry a lot.
3. I'm not writing a birth plan. Nobody can plan for birth. I have an idea of how I'd like things to go. I've looked into things. I've read those books and stuff. I don't really think anything can prepare me for what I'll experience, and I really have no idea what is going to happen.
4. When I hold my daughter (or maybe son?) for the first time I will realize that it's all worth it. I will love my child unconditionally (even if I have an epidural or a c-section or whatever..nothing it going to change or diminish my love for my baby).
5. I'm not a failure. I just need to stop reading books that tell me that I am.