8.07.2012

Brittany's Passion Post: Living in Guilt, Freedom in Christ

My name is Brittany. I am a 22 year old wife, and full time administrator. I know Brianna through Bramalea Baptist Churuch, we also worked at the same car dealership, and I know her husband from Redeemer University.

beautiful brittany
Growing up in the church and a Christian home was wonderful. I always felt like I had so many friends I could relate to at youth group and Sunday mornings. If my parents were away I always felt that I had parental figures from the church that I could call incase anything was wrong. I was the pastor's daughter, so I always had to act my best and look my best.  However, there were always a few statements said in the church setting that made me feel very uncomfortable around older christian figures, and in a way made me scared to talk to them or share myt difficulties. They were sayings like "sex is Bad, don't do it because it's a sin and it's wrong!", "alcohol is wrong", "drugs are wrong", "people who partake in activities where these things are involved don't know Christ or have bad lives." What I never heard was how you can get through those difficult times. I was so caught up in all my guilt and shame that I never seeked out for help or asked questions. I never had full true answers as to why these things were so bad. They just were. As I grew older my life started unfloding more and more, I had boyfriends, and drank, however it always felt wrong.

When I was 18 years old I met the man of my dreams. We started getting to know each other, and as time went on we really started to like each other. I remember one night lying in my bed at Redeemer university and saying to my best friend (who happened to be my roomate) "how is he ever going to want me?" "How will anyone ever want to be with me after all that I have done?" All the guilt and shame that I had been holding in was now really starting to creep up on me and scare me. Dean was a Christian, raised in a very Godly good Christian home, very much like mine. What I didn't realize was that Dean was also human, and he had made mistakes too. The two of us started our journey together. About five months into our relationship we really started to struggle. We had no idea where to go or who to talk to. A few weeks later we decided to meet with our pastor. I remember sitting in the chairs across from his desk feeling so nervous I could almost cry. Darren looked at us and smiled. Dean started to say "we are here because...." and Darren stopped him. He said "I know why you guys are here. It's for the exact same reason that many teens and adults have sat in these chairs. So lets talk". The words that were said to us that day TRULY helped change who we were and the way I viewed "sinning" and the church. Darren told us that we are human. We sin. We make mistakes. We are not perfect. And that all of that was ok. Yes sex before marriage is not right, drugs are bad when used for non medical reasons, alcohol when used for the wrong reasons is bad, stealing a cookie from the jar is bad. Do these things make us disgusting awful people though? No! They also don't make us any less worthy of a Christian. The beauty of it all though, is that we have an amazing God who loves each of us for who we are and if we ask and follow him, we will be forgiven. This didn't mean for us to go party every night and then pray to be forgiven and poof you are. What it meant was that if we slipped, life wasn't over.

 For years I sat hating myself, feeling dirty and worthless. I never thought anyone would be able to love me. Boy was I wrong. Not only did I end up marrying Dean just over a year later, but I have a heavenly father who will ALWAYS love me, no matter what. Dean and I were really challenged in the first year of our marriage. Being married at 22 brings it's own challenges but we always had little thoughts of, "is this happening because of our sin?" After a few months of trying to get pregnant we experienced heart ache. In July 2012 we had a miscarriage. It is truly a feeling you can't describe. My first thoughts sitting at the doctors office were "this is our fault". I got into my car and hit shuffle on my IPod. The very first song that came on was the Potters Hand. I started bawling immeadetly. MY past didn't make me lose a baby,unfortunately it just wan't the right time for my body to hold that child. God didn't do that to me, but he is surely there for me now as we trek through the emotions.

My hope and prayer for everyone, especially teenage girls is that you will never feel scared to ask questions. You are not alone! Don't sit and hold in guilt and shame. Yes there are consequenses to our actions, but God wants what's good for us. Sitting for years hiding from who you are because of mistakes you made is not what he wants for our lives. I was so blindsided angry hearing those few sayings that I never listened to what our pastor fully had to say. I never heard why these things were wrong, or what you could do if you were having sex, or if you are a drug user, or had an addiction. I know now that by the grace of our amazing God that I am forgiven. The past is the past. Does it still sneak up on me from time to time? Yes, but only because I'm human! God wants us to have people to be able to talk to and for us to be able to run and talk to him. If you feel alone, there are probably hundreds of other people feeling the same way you are. Don't hold back from the amazing things God has planned for you. It is only through him that we can walk away and new and changed person.

Brittany and Dean on their wedding day

2 comments:

  1. Thank you for sharing this-- I think alot of people like yourself and myself who grew up in Christian homes struggle with being truthful about our flaws. Such a breath of fresh air when you hear that you in fact are not alone!

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  2. Wow, this was a great post - I really like the part about stuff like this not making us any less worthy of a Christian. I hope you get a lot of chances to talk to other teens about what you went through because you have a very 'real' and down to earth way of sharing your experience. Thanks!

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