* I've had this blog swirling around in my head for a few days now, and I need to just get it out so that I can move on. I'm not perfect. This blog isn't perfect. My words here won't be perfect. I'm just attempting to shed light on some feelings and thoughts I've been having *
I never realized that being a mom would change me in so many ways.
Mostly, for the good.
Sometimes though, these changes are just plain scary.
Today I'm going to talk about my flaws, because in a blog it's so easy to hi-light what is good and beautiful in my life.
Perfection with words and pictures is easy.
In real life, my words can be ugly.
In real life, I don't have a chance to pose still-pictures and sort through the one's that don't look right.
I have a confession to make, and really, it's not a surprising confession at all.
I'm a self-righteous mom.
I really don't think I'm the only one, but a self-righteous mom would say that, wouldn't she?
I spent nine months pouring over books.
I spent nine months talking to people, gathering ideas a theories.
On May 16th my ideas and theories became real. I started forming my doctrine of motherhood.
For the most part, my doctrine was working, so obviously anyone who chooses other ways of mothering are wrong.
I'd carefully selected my theories, discarded what didn't work and kept what did.
These theories were tested and tried and true.
So, I'm right. I'm doing this all right and if you're doing it differently, maybe you just need to try my way.
I'm being a bit coy here. I don't really tell people they're wrong.
I understand all babies are different.
I understand all mothers are different. I'm a rational human-being.
But, there is something irrational inside of me that whispers in the dark.
Why am I doing this? Why am I turning into this monstrous self-righteous mother?
Because: if I'm not doing it right doesn't that mean I'm doing it wrong?
Besides, I like to feel like I'm in control here.
By mothering right, my daughter will be exempt for the world's trials and tribulations.
I fed my daughter on demand? She'll never chase after a man unworthy of her, obviously.
I play music to my daughter and sing with her each day? She's always do well in school, clearly.
I introduce her to culture and the world? She'll be accepting of all races and people, no doubt.
I talk to her about Jesus and pray for her each day. She'll ask Jesus into her heart, of course.
I can't know my daughter's future, that's clear.
I like to think that the choices I'm making as a mom will guide my daughter into a happy adulthood.
But really, who knows how this all works?
I'm certain that our theories as mom are simply that: a theory.
I need to be more accepting of alternative theories.
Because being unloving and unaccepting is wrong.
If I don't love other moms, I'm doing it all wrong
Sometimes, it's not about the kids anymore, and it becomes about us, our hearts, and our willingness to love and accept people and set the judgement aside.