This is part two of a small series I’m doing on my school days. You can find part one, about my experience in high school, here.
As mentioned earlier, I chose to attend McMaster University for a fresh start, and to make a new life for myself. In high school I was not known for purity or integrity, and I hated that fact. Even though my peers never bullied me and always accepted me, I felt a darkness within myself and wanted to be different. I sought a new school, so that I could be a new person. There was just one problem, I was seeking to change on my own, and never once sought Christ or the life-giving Holy Spirit that had been quenched over years and years of neglect.
My first day of university all of my dreams of a new future came crashing down. I will spare you the gory details. I made terrible, terrible mistakes. By the end of “frosh week”, I had made a mess of my university life and already was known around my dorm as the girl without any morals or integrity. I was devastated.
McMaster was nothing like my free-loving high school. The other students here weren’t so willing to accept me, failures and all. I felt alienated from my dorm mates. I felt ashamed and embarrassed, and knew that my chances at meaningful friendships were destroyed.
Sometime around the first week of university I found myself at a Campus for Christ meeting. I met some girls there, amazingly, girls who I still keep in contact with today (like Our Nest in the City’s Emily, and Little Band of Character’s Samantha). At the time, I wanted to change, but I was so unwillingly to give my heart and soul to the Lord. I was still filled with loneliness and did not believe the Lord could ever fill the void in my heart. I thought I needed a man to do that.
|so close, yet so far.|
at a Campus for Christ retreat in September
Despite my antics and horrifying actions, I suddenly found myself with some friends in my building. Suddenly, I was in the inner group with all of my floor mates, enjoying a friendship with many of the girls. We often talked about my behaviour, and my friends would ask me, “why don’t you just say no?” I admitted to them that I simply didn’t know how. I know that my friends pitied me, they knew there was something deeply wrong, but they just didn’t know how to address it. Instead, I became a joke. My actions and my behaviour became a point of conversation amongst my group of friends. I was accepted not DESPITE my behaviour, but BECAUSE of it.
Once I found myself with a group of friends, I saw no reason to change. I dropped my friends in Campus for Christ, and stopped going to discipleship groups. Gone were the days where I dreamed of change and a new life. I could never be that girl who lived with integrity the way I saw the C4C girls living, so I decided to accept myself the way I was.
Inside, my spirit was deadened. I knew that I was the butt of a joke with my friends, and that I hadn’t fostered any true of genuine friendships with any one. I was alone and lonely and seeking love only to find myself miserable and alone.
|one of my floor mates, Morgan and I.|
Morgan was a bridesmaid at my wedding,
and an exception to the rule when it came to friendships made in my first year of university.
Still, I could not change. What was the point?
One morning, near the end of my first year of university, my roommate opened the front door of our shared dorm room. She shrieked and screamed for me. I ran to her and gazed up at a sign plastered on our front door, for the world to see. I was shocked, horrified, sick to my stomach, and forever changed. That moment, as I stood there, gazing up at the words that described who I was, something shifted in my heart, soul, and mind.
TO BE CONTINUED…