10.29.2012

The Words That Hurt The Most {Part 3}

This is the third and final installment of a short series I'm doing on my school days. See part 1 and part 2 to catch up!

Towards the end of my first year of university I woke up to a horrifying prank. My roommate opened the front door of our shared dorm room, only to find two of the most horrifying words plastered there. She called me over and immediately upon reading the words I began to sob.

The words that were on my door are words I cannot bring myself to ever, ever repeat. Just having the image in my mind is enough to make me shudder and nearly break down again. I was horrified, ashamed, and angry. I cried while my roommate hugged me and attempted to console me.

I began brainstorming who could have pulled such an awful prank on me. Immediately I assumed it was someone who had a grudge against me. Perhaps an old fling, or someone who had the wrong impression of me (or, perhaps the right impression?) I could not believe why any body would do this to me, as I wasn't a vengeful or menacing person, and didn't have any enemies.

My friends and I talked about this incident for much of the day. I even began accusing close friends, only to feel horrified and guilty at even thinking my friends would do this to me. Some time during the evening, I was sitting with some of my girl friends when a friend from our floor came in, tail between his legs. He confessed that he and some of our other friends had been out drinking, and they thought it would be a funny joke to put those words on my door. They said it wasn't directed at me, it was mostly to shock my roommate. HA. I knew that couldn't be farther then the truth, especially because of my poor reputation.

I seethed with rage. I don't remember ever feeling so angry and so betrayed before. Suddenly, the prank seemed much harsher and crueler than before. The people who wrote those awful words on my door were my friends, people that knew my heart, my struggles, and had seen me vulnerable and weak.

Something in me shifted that day. Seeing those words on my door, and knowing that even my own friends thought of me as someone who would deserve such unkind treatment, I felt my heart and soul shatter and break.

After that, I tried much harder to be a woman of integrity. I didn't want to be that girl anymore. I was only six-months away from true brokenness, from finally realizing the Lord had been patiently waiting for me to turn to Him. I was only twelve-months away from meeting my future husband. I was getting closer, and closer to true joy in Jesus Christ, and true peace because of His grace.

new vintage media photography
returning a few years later and wiser to the school that rocked my world.

I sit here today, remembering those awful words in my heart and in my mind. My throat feels thick with sorrow, but I also feel an unimaginable joy and peace. I'm overwhelmed by the life change I have experienced, because of my God and Saviour. I remember trying, and trying to change my behaviour  I used all my strength, but I always fell short.

Until I relinquished control, and surrendered my heart, my will, my life to my God.


amazing grace
how sweet the sound
that saved a wretch like me

my chains are gone
i've been set free
my God, my Saviour, has ransomed me
and like a flood, his mercy rains
unending love, amazing grace

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